its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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