I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
