My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
