Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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