gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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