Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
