I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
