Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
