The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You did what with his pubic hair?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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