some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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