I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
