You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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