i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
