Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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