News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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