Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
