i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
