everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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