If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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