i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
