i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
