Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
