Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
