Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
