guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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