So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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