you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
