At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
