I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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