i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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