I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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