Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
