Umm I'm too high to move.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
