Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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