I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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