I hate all girls vehemently.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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