dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
