hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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