If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
