Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
