Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
