do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Randomize
