Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
