i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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