she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
