I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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