i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
