every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
So squirting runs in the family.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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