Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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