Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
