I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
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You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
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Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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