capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
