Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
