I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
