My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
